Like the Seasons…

This is an open letter to my husband, Sean:

I know most days we find ourselves caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Most mornings our alarms buzz us out of our dreamlike state and propel us full speed ahead into our day. It’s a blur of brushing teeth, getting ourselves dressed, and then making sure the boys are ready to take on their day too. I’m downing coffee and toast while simultaneously packing up lunch boxes, gathering backpacks, and divvying out vitamins and allergy medicine for Liam. Through all of this there are brief exchanges and pleasantries, but I know I never give you much more than a hug, goodbye kiss, and a salutation to have a wonderful day.

After the boys are safely at daycare, goodbye hugs and kisses sending us all our respective ways, I often find myself reflecting on the way the morning unfolded. Many times, I lose myself in thought replaying certain parts of my morning like a particularly adorable giggle from Atticus or a Liamism that made me laugh out loud. In those moments, I wish I could rewind the day and freeze it long enough to have time to exchange an embrace with you that doesn’t feel like time is working against us. To enjoy more than a brief pleasantry and instead give you something more monumental to hold on to and carry with you throughout your day.

By the time I pull into the parking lot at work, reality sets in and the marathon race begins. It’s a blur of students, parents, emails, and meetings. Each brings a sense of accomplishment, but few opportunities allow me the time to pause in my day and send you a text message telling you I’m thinking about you, am looking forward to seeing you later in the day, or am sending you my love.

By the time 4 o’clock rolls around, the whirlwind of homework, dinner, bath time, and bedtime dictates the direction of our evening only leaving opportunities here and there to exchange pleasantries about our day. Then I’m out the door for a run and you’re often still trying to knock out work after the boys are down. As our own bedtimes quickly encroach on our quality time, I often find myself wishing there was simply more time in our day. More time for the little things like enjoying a glass of wine, duking it out over a game of Scrabble, or cuddling up to watch a great movie.

After we’ve both given our best to everyone else in our day, we often are too exhausted or mentally drained to give our best to one another. I say this not out of spite because in my heart, I know we both have the best of intentions. Between parenthood and demanding professions, it’s a reality we’ve both come to accept.

With that being said, however, I need you to know that I love you with my whole heart. I love seeing your eyes light up when you’re with the boys. I love watching you lost in thought as you pour over your computer. I love clinking glasses with you and enjoying a glass of red wine in your company. I don’t always give myself opportunities to pause and say thank you for how hard you work to provide for our family. I may not always give you the best of me, and I’m sorry for that. Please know that even when I fall short, I have the best of intentions at heart. I find peace in knowing that some of the stresses we carry with us every day  are like the seasons; with time, they will change because our workload will lighten and our role as parents will shift as the boys get older and are more independent.

In the meantime, I’m hopeful an open letter written with love and sincerity will bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. After all, Papa Bear, I love you to the moon and back!

All my love,

Heidi

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